Friday, 20 July 2012

My Holiday Bone Is Permanently Broken

So yesterday I told you about my lack of professional family photos. Today I will reveal another secret that will forever keep me from being queen of all things domestic. I have this thing against mailing out Christmas cards. Why? I don't know. Likely because someone dropped me as a small child and broke the thing in me that causes people to embrace holiday traditions. I never wear holiday colors associated with a given holiday. Don't expect to see me in pink on Valentines, green on St. Patricks, redwhiteblue on Independence Day. There is something deep inside me that screams "LOSER! CONFORMIST! IF YOU DO THIS YOU WILL FOREVER REGRET IT" whenever I try. So instead I walk around all day in orange as if I don't own a calendar and only by chance wandered into this park where, oh look at that, how surprising, there are fireworks. I don't even buy pretty green Christmas trees anymore. I buy house plants. (Although I do put lights in them for the Christmas seasons. And sometimes suffocate them with ribbons. Often blue ones. Because red might make my head explode.) Even's the thing...I love Christmas trees. Seth shakes hangs his poor head every time I talk about my dream to one day own a huge fake shiny red one.

So there you go. General aversion to holiday traditions. Weird, right? But back to the Christmas card focus of this post. For some reason I absolutely cannot mail out store-bought Christmas cards. I've stood in line multiple times, my arms piled his with boxes of the perfect cards. One card for every person I've ever met. Sometimes I even get to the cashier and pay for them instead of putting them back on the shelf and bolting out of the store. But when I buy them I don't mail them. Only one miraculous year did I mail out cards and that was the year I made them myself. With my calligraphy set. And seeing as I only made it through two calligraphy lessons as a child, it took so long to make them that I only made about eleven.

I had to start in August to fool my internal holiday-traditions radar. They were done by October. (Not because they took two months to make. Just because I was lazy.) My internal holiday clock never saw it coming. Although I'm almost positive I couldn't force myself to mail them until December 27th. But still. They made it. And I didn't even hyperventilate at the post office from the holiday tradition overload. Have you noticed it's almost August again. Time to get going if I'm going to successfully fool my holiday clock again.

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